Couples have a vision when planning their wedding, but there are times that those around them may get hurt during the planning process. A mother wrote on the “Am I the A**hole” Subreddit that her 4-year-old daughter was effectively fired as the flower girl for her sister’s wedding. This ultimately led to other members of the family boycotting the wedding.
In the post, which received more than 16,000 votes and nearly 2,000 comments, 0trow wrote that her sister is a perfectionist. When the Redditor and her daughter were asked to be in the wedding party, she had her reservations.
“I told her from the start if she was anyway nasty to my child I wouldn’t stand for it,” the post reads. “She assured me she’d never be nasty [toward] her ‘favorite person in the whole world.'”
As part of the preparations, the wedding party had dance rehearsals. The Redditor wrote that the bride’s future husband’s cousin began attending the dance practices. She started rehearsing what 0trow’s daughter was doing.
When the Redditor took her sister out for coffee, she asked her what was going on, to which the bride said that her daughter wasn’t doing everything correctly. When 0trow said her daughter was receiving praise from the other people, her sister laughed and said she wasn’t meeting her standards of what was “good enough” for her wedding.
The bride then told 0trow that her daughter would not be the flower girl and she needed to be the one to break the news. Before leaving, 0trow said she would give her sister a day to rethink the decision, and if the decision stood, she would not attend the wedding.
“Well two days went so I couldn’t put it off any longer,” she wrote. “I broke the news to my child. Even though I tried my hardest and sugarcoated it as much as possible the news still broke her heart. She cried herself to sleep (so did I and my husband).”
The Redditor wrote that she stopped attending wedding-related events and told family members what happened, which led to some dropping out of the wedding.
She and her family went away for a few weeks, and when they returned they found letters and emails from the bride apologizing, but stating that her future in-laws and husband were angry.
Since publishing her post, 0trow updated readers that her sister’s future mother-in-law reached out and asked for the entire family to meet. She said she planned to meet with them to hear them out before telling them to leave her alone.
The majority of commenters supported 0trow.
One wrote there were several things for readers who thought 0trow was wrong to consider.
“OP was expected to bring the child to the celebration after being told she was no longer going to be the flower girl,” the reader wrote. “Yay! She gets to watch another child do the thing she was so excited to do and not make a fuss.”
The comment continued and stated that if 0trow attended the wedding and got a babysitter for the occasion, her daughter would have to watch her parents get dressed up for a celebration in which she was no longer involved.
“OP did not tell other people to not go to the wedding, she told them what happened when they asked,” the comment read. “Everyone made their own decision.”
Other Redditors agreed and said this must have been extremely difficult for her child.
“Your daughter may not fully understand right now, but when she gets older she’ll know you’ll have her back,” one commenter wrote.
Another wrote that the poster’s daughter and the bride’s future husband’s cousin could have split the responsibilities.
Others pointed out that the bride should have gone into the wedding planning process with different expectations, especially based on the age of 0trow’s daughter.
“If I had a 4-year-old flower girl, I’d be happy if she made it down the aisle without crying and while also wearing all of the pieces of her outfit,” a commenter wrote.
In yet another update, 0trow wrote that she later learned her sister’s wedding photographer saw her post on Reddit and reached out to her to inform her that her daughter getting “fired” as a flower girl went deeper than not dancing correctly.
She wrote that she overheard her sister’s future mother-in-law and aunt-in-law referring to the Redditor’s daughter and husband as a slur.
“My daughter wasn’t [the] flower girl because unlike me, her aunt or the other flower girl she doesn’t have blue eyes and blonde hair,” she wrote.
User 0trow told Newsweek that she appreciated the photographer’s candidness and willingness to come forward.
For now, she said that her sister is blocked and will remain blocked. User 0trow said the only reason she would speak with her sister is if she needs help in an emergency situation. However, even in that instance, she said that she would consult with her husband on whether she would extend her help.
User 0trow then told Newsweek that she does not plan to attend the dinner to make amends with her sister or her sister’s future in-laws “for my husband’s safety.” Her father also said he did not want to attend for the same reason.
The Knot published a piece about tips for first-time flower girls and noted there is no need for an age limit. If there are younger flower girls chosen for a wedding, the piece suggested asking the parents to stay nearby, or to walk them down the aisle.
Additionally, having the flower girl attend other wedding events may help with any anxiety as they become more familiar with other members of the wedding party.
Updated 10/25/2021, 6:15 p.m. ET: This story has been updated with comments from user 0trow.